Some record reviews I wrote for IDS Weekend

Yeah, so I wrote a couple reviews for IDS Weekend, but because of space, they have not yet been published. So I'm going to put them up here. I reviewed Chamillionaire's Ultimate Victory and Northern State's Can I Keep This Pen?

Don't Keep It

Northern State – Can I Keep This Pen?

It’s impossible to hear Northern State without thinking of them as the female Beastie Boys. The three “Lon Gisland” girls, Hesta Prynn, Spero and Sprout, punch the last beat just like the Beasties (“Knock knock. Who’s there? Prynn, how you BEEN?/ Do you still have my copy of Huckleberry FINN?”). They dabble in rock and experimental production just like the Beasties. They’re white, bright and geeky just like the Beasties.

And just like the Beasties these days, they suck.

Despite critical love, Northern State sounds like a bunch of privileged white girls play-rapping for a summer camp talent show. While they should have unique perspective in a hip hop world dominated by lewd misogynists obsessed with their own greatness, they simply cannot rap, reminding me of Blondie’s “Rapture,” with equally comical lyrics.

Take these sample rhymes from the highlight on the album, the Seussically suggestive “Things I’ll Do”: “Call me any time, I’ll manage your damage/ I’ll balance your budget then make you a sandwich.” Ugh. While the production behind them evokes a funky double-dutch, the three girls’ flabby rapping fails to illuminate their admittedly humorous, political perspective. Rhyming “2008” and “candidate” seems like the domain of local campaign staffers, not purportedly professional musicians.

On their third LP, Northern State has produced a record that spans genres and styles from the post-punk rock-out of “Cold War” to the old school wiggles of “Sucka Mofo.” Each track begins with exciting sonic territory, but then these amateur karaoke-hour hacks sadly enter the stage. Ad-rock’s production provides the Beastie blessing on boards, and their admirers are many: they’ve toured with De La Soul, Le Tigre, and Tegan and Sara. With pedigree like that, I want to like them a lot – but just because they’re the best rapping liberal Whole Foods intellectual girl group doesn’t mean they’re any good.

Grade: D

God, they suck so much. Here's "Better Already" one of the tracks on the album where they "sing."

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Ponder like a rockstar

Chamillionaire - Ultimate Victory

After naming your album Ultimate Victory, anything less than that seems like a let-down. Chamillionaire, Houston’s latest hit-maker, should’ve solidified his position as a rap star after mainstream success in “Ridin’ (Dirty).” Alas, despite high hopes, this album stands as an admirable preachy failure.

Cham’s had enough with bling’n’bitches and tries earnestly to inject true politicization into a genre that has only dabbled occasionally and laughably in social criticism (“George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” “Vote or Die,” etc.). His sincerity even makes him swear off swear words and abstain from the N-word, staples of the hip hop world.

It’s hard not to applaud him for his attempt, but sadly, Chamillionaire’s commentary can’t sparkle like his more traditional tracks, including two great collaborations with each member of UGK: the one-hand-on-the-steering-wheel low-rider “Pimp Mode” with Bun B and the menacing bass line Southern anthem “Welcome to the South” with Pimp C.

In Cham’s solemn sermon on media bias (seriously) “The Evening News,” he commits some rhyme atrocities to fit his nonsensical observations (Does “one” rhyme with “him”?). Despite capable beats and a neat violin hook, it turns out that criminal lines like “The White House is gonna stay white/ even though we know that Obama’s black” sound terrible regardless. From 9/11 conspiracies to Flava Flav, he sounds as self-righteous as a hip-hop Art Garfunkel – “7’o Clock News/Silent Night” with a drum machine.

Other than his unfortunately popular “Hip Hop Police,” the track on the album that most epitomizes the face-plant of this audacious experiment is “Rock Star,” featuring Lil’ Wayne, the wailing guitar-crunk sound from “Party Like A Rockstar,” the thumps of “We Will Rock You” and meaningless idiotic rhymes. At once meditative and blustery, bashing materialism while basking in its spotlight glow – and rapping poorly – Cham can’t quite tie together this mixed bag, but damned if he doesn’t try.

Grade: C+

Here's Cham's aforementioned well-intentioned debacle, "Evening News." Reading other reviews of this album, you'd think the lyrics were revelatory or "heavy" or "reflective," but really listen to them. They're just incoherent babbling.

Hopefully these appear in the Weekend soon, but I have no guarantees, since they're growing less timely by the minute.